Down the well

Its a hard thing to describe to someone who has never experienced it before. It seems like an easy way out from life, an excuse as to why you are failing at the everyday things. But for people affected by the invisible disease  it can feel as if you have fallen down a deep, dark, lonely well and you are struggling to climb back up.

You dwell in the bottom of the well, with only a glimpse every now and then of the sunlight above. Some days you attempt to climb your way up the slippery sides to escape the darkness and your lonely thoughts and return to a life that seems impossibly far away. But the sides are slippery, you lose your grip and slide back down into the depths of darkness.

Every now and then, friends and family can be heard calling, their voices echo down to you like whispers, you can hear them, but their words are faint and fruitless. They throw you tools, ladders and ropes, things to help you drag your way out. It is up to you to use those tools to survive. They can only supply the tools, you must make use of them.

One day, little by little, you take a step up the ladder, the rung is strong and secure as you grip on to the sides, you find your footing and begin to pull yourself up, one rung at a time...

The day it dawned on me

its a terrifying feeling realizing that you have all your hopes pinned on one measly little white pill...but this was it, this was my reality, my last chance, and the only thing stopping me from ending up in a wooden box six feet under.

i had thought i was managing to keep things under control for the last few years, but every now and then my reserves would fall and glimpses of what i was trying to hide would rear their ugly head. when tears are the only signs of illness, its hard for people to understand the full extent of what is going on with you, there are no broken bones to see and heal, there are only internal wounds that if left un-addressed become soul destroying and turn you into a shell of the person you used to be.